Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Confusion reigns

I can't quite understand why it's confusing me...but now I've admitted to myself and my GP that I am suffering with depression and anxiety I sort of expected the cathartic experience to release me from the bonds of the depression and deliver me back into some form of normality! I am feeling quite confused and cheated that the knowledge and admission alone have not cured me! How ridiculous!

I finally revved myself up and rang the cognitive therapy people...what a let down that was! I was expecting a full blown question and answer session followed by being given a specific appointment. Wrong! I was given an appointment of sorts but for a therapist to telephone me at home and assess me that way. Wasn't expecting that! I always thought that in order to understand how a person was feeling you had to see all their cues, verbal and non verbal communication. Eye contact, folded arms etc. It seems that she will assess my needs by telephone and then decide on what therapy I need. Oh well it's all new to me I guess I have to just go with it.

These anti-depressants the doctor has given me are making me feel sicky and very tired. I didn't think I could feel any more fatigued than I have for the last few months but this is worse. How long will they take to have any positive affects? Will the sick feeling go away?

Is it normal to want to try and avoid social interaction? Even out walking with the dogs I find myself seeing somebody on the horizon and changing my course to avoid them? I can't figure out why I can't face them. I just cannot bring myself to be bothered even when I can see it's someone I would normally have passed the time of day with. That and telephone calls. Can't bear speaking to people on the phone!! Bodes well for this CBT therapist call doesn't it?!!

My anxiety levels are sky high and my finances are tight. It's half term the week after next. Another week of trying to do amazingly exciting things with madam on a non-existent budget!
I know money isn't everything but when you're alone and you have none and can see the bills on the horizon the knock on anxiety and stress is debilitating.

I feel like I'm stuck in a self perpetuating nightmare. The anxiety of being alone and struggling stresses me so much I'm sure it feeds my depression. How can you tackle depression whilst a source of anxiety like that is still present?

Feeling sad and hopeless today. Adieu x

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