Yesterday was the day from hell. I think yesterday was possibly the worst day I can recall in forever.
I woke up with my ever present banging headache. I remembered virtually the instant I regained consciousness that I'm broke and would have to start robbing peter to pay paul if I was to get through this month unscathed and as I'm lying there I'm also wondering to myself if I would actually be bothered to get out of the bed if it wasn't for my daughter and the dogs hassling me or being around? Probably not I decided. I'm feeling useless and hopeless and my favourite saying of the moment is tripping through my brain taunting me. 'I'm a nothing and a nobody' This was just the start of my day...
I did get up of course as there is no choice and I sorted out breakfast for my daughter and I. Then I set about walking my pooches.
When I get back from my walk I have a missed phone call from the school on my landline asking me why Ellie wasn't in school today and telling me off as I haven't rung in notifying them of her continued absence on each and every day. So I ring them back and explain myself to them and accept my telling off which leaves me feeling quite deflated....
...........then within minutes my police boss rings and leaves me a voicemail asking me to ring him back and stating he wanted to visit me next week. That's the worst news ever. My heart sinks and my heart rate elevates. My head pounds and the anxiety in my throat rises. Panic sets in.
He's spoken to me very infrequently since I've been off for the last five months but usually when he does make contact it's not for kind caring reasons but to share official business with me. Don't get me wrong I don't mind because I do not connect with him and dislike our conversations intently but as support goes he wouldn't know how to support a limp lettuce leaf. I simply did not feel able to ring him back and the thought of him setting foot inside my home is abhorrent. I started trying to think of all the reasons I can that he can't come! In fact as things stand I have still ignored the voicemail and have put off speaking to him altogether! He'll probably be livid and think I was out tripping the light fantastic somewhere too busy to speak with him! I probably should have at least e mailed him but I just don't have the ability to find the mental capacity to deal with the 'how are you?' 'are you feeling better?' type of conversation. Especially when I know full well that he doesn't believe I'm ill at all and probably just thinks that I've been swinging the lead for the last five months. So I don't face up to making the call but I do find myself fretting about having not rung him back all day which intensifies my headache to the point of feeling like it 's going to explode. I even tried texting my police federation representative and asking him if there was any official reason I could use to stop him coming out! He just suggested he could be present which seemed ludicrous to me for a welfare visit! I can't have federation representation for a welfare visit can I?!!
Then as if I'm a skittle in need of knocking down again the bank ring as well and hassle me about my lack of funds. As if things aren't sliding down hill rapidly enough then the post arrives with several ominous looking envelopes! Number one is a large official type A4 white envelope with a give away crime prevention franking stamp upon it! That contains a jaunty letter from my deputy chief constable lamenting about my long term illness, wishing me to get well soon and notifying me that they're going to put me on half pay soon!! How pleasant! Thank you so much! Lovely that's just what the day needed!! The next two are in those manila type computer generated envelopes that those of us seasoned bill jugglers will instantly recognise. Two overdue bill warning letters. So by the time I've ripped into those three arrivals I can barely see straight for my head pain, my eye sight is blurring again and I'm shaking. I just want to cry but can't even manage that.
All the time I'm trying to appear normal to my daughter and not let the cracks show. It feels like it should be obvious to anyone looking at me how I'm feeling but apparently not. It's a secret well hidden.
My next humiliating job is to sit down at the computer and extend my credit line just enough to bring all my bills up to date. My head is crashing and the shakes haven't gone. The feeling of rising panic is in my throat again and all I can think is surely things must get better sometime soon? They can't get any worse today surely. Enough's enough for one day.....
Then my daughter starts bleating that she's hungry and asks if she can have chicken nuggets for her tea. Still holding it together for her sake and wanting an easy life I agree and get up from the computer to get the requested items from the freezer. I'm in a bit of a daze still feeling appalling still feeling shell shocked, still feeling pathetic and useless when 'BOOM' things only go and get worse.
I'm confused initially that the chips aren't hard and that they're soft and pulpy and that the nuggets are the same. The realisation of the scale of the disaster dawns very slowly, almost as if in slow motion. The truth creeps in to my brain like a burglar as I discover drawer by drawer, packet by packet that all my food in the chest freezer, my survival stash, has been ruined and stolen from me. My daughter would appear to have switched off the plug socket feeding the freezer the day before. Unbeknown to me when she plugged in an extension cable to feed the iPad she had clearly flicked off the freezer socket. The drawers are full of water, the food is all soggy and beyond saving and I feel like my world is imploding. As I empty all my food in to bin bags and cart it out to the bin I can but wonder what I've done to deserve all of this?!
Afterwards I sit with my head in my hands wanting above all else to be able to cry to release the tension to get rid of this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I can't manage it. My head actually feels as if it's going to split open and my world is spinning about me as if I'm drunk. My poor daughter starts blaming me for the disaster and chattering away behind me on the subject. She's worried about her lost chicken nuggets more than anything else. 'What will I have for tea now?
Oh for life to be that simple again. Arghhh!
I manage to pull together a meal from the very small freezer I have on my fridge and afterwards I just sit shaking on the sofa with my eyes closed wishing the day would be over. Hankering after a glass of wine but knowing at the same time that my head already hurts too badly to drink alcohol. I sit there wishing I could just relax and watch the telly and forget all my troubles and yet the worries and the guilt just bob to the surface and float around in front of the telly like ghostly apparitions. Guilt that I hadn't rung my boss back. Guilt that I hadn't spoken to my Dad in a while. Guilt that I'm so useless with money. Guilt that I can't be stronger and back at work. Lots and lots of guilt and anxiety.
My Dad lost his wife, my step Mum two months ago to cancer. Sue was just 57 years old. I just haven't had the capacity to ring him for two weeks. It's a very hard thing to explain but I feel like a battery running on empty. There's nothing left to give anyone right now. What very little there is I have to save for my daughter and myself.
Eventually I give in to the fatigue, the headache and the anxiety and as I'm failing to follow the plot of the programme I'm attempting to watch on the television anyway I go to bed.
But even then it's not that simple as my brain won't let any of it's worries or guilt drop quite that easily and it's at least it's another hour before I finally manage to fall into a troubled restless sleep and leave the day from hell behind.