Sunday, 26 October 2014

Soul Searching

Do people generally spend time psychoanalysing themselves or am I just a complete freak? Since writing my last post I have had to do a lot of soul searching.

I was awaiting figures you may recall for the half pay scenario to show me how bad things would be if I was still off work sick and the half pay kicked in as of 17/11. Well I'm not too good at maths but the general picture painted to me is that going onto half pay is a no no. Especially if your trouble is stress, anxiety and depression because there are so many variables, and variables' mean uncertainty and uncertainty means stress.  There's the unpredictability of an ESA claim from the DWP and whether or not you would be awarded the £72 a week for 13 weeks and there's also an immense chapter and verse type 52 page form, detailing your bust size to how many times a week you fart, to fill out in order to be assessed for it. There's also a claim to be made and paperwork to be completed for the police federation group insurance which would I'm told make up 25% of your gross salary. There's also the the fact you'd be even further removed from the work place and dealing with the stress of ever climbing back on the work train. In fact it was made perfectly clear to me that this was not a viable option and therefore the only way forwards is back to work.

The next hurdle is whether or not the force will still decide tomorrow to put me on stage one of the unsatisfactory performance procedures, and then to work out how/where and for how long I go back to work in the first instance. I've been told to consider what are my stress factors, to identify them so they can be considered and possibly circumnavigated.

Well people in general trigger my stress so let's clear them out the way first off!!... yes all of them!

In all seriousness every time I sit and consider this question seriously I start to panic and move away from the thoughts so I can calm down. I'm already feeling panicked and tight chested just thinking about going up to headquarters for this meeting tomorrow. I've been told not to speak during the meeting and let the fed rep do it all!! I hope I don't have a Tourette's style outburst! Sticking tape may be called for!

It's been suggested I work away from my normal station to start with...but I think that's counterproductive. But the advice is confused because in one breath it's you have to face coming back sometime but in the next breath it's work somewhere else. How is that facing things? It just postpones the inevitable and leaves me anxious about what's being said about me working elsewhere by my normal work colleagues' . Plus I'd have to explain to whomever I ended up working with why I'm there for a small amount of time. No back to normal it has to be and let's hope the elastic band in my head doesn't snap! So it's half term this week and my sick note expires on the 2/11. So I'll go back to my GP 3/11, get signed back with a prescriptive detailed 'fit' note and bite the bullet and go back to my normal office and face the music.

Easy to write, not so easy to do! What do I wear tomorrow? Business clothes? But then I'll look 'too' together. Make Up? Or go looking gaunt and manic! Or dirty jeans so I look as unkempt on the outside as I feel on the inside?! God knows...?  I can't even plan that in my head without feeling queasy and why is that? Let's face it all I have to do is drive there, sit in a meeting saying nothing and leave again! I guess it's being judged, being pitied, or maybe being despised and yes definitely being talked about when I'm not there. Just being a focal point isn't comfortable is it?

Something else that troubles me is just finding the motivation and energy to go back to work. Getting out of bed to walk dogs, to get my daughter ready for school. Getting her to school. Getting to work on time. Running around at work, running home. Collecting her from childcare. Making tea and feeding her. Doing her reading etc. walking the dogs again. My working days are endless and full of chores. Yet at the moment just finding the energy or the inclination to switch on the telly, or pick socks off the floor is challenging and difficult. How the hell am I going to get all that done again every day? I sit and stare in to space and time just ebbs by like water in a river.

I feel so lost. I feel so crumpled and inept. I feel like the piece of paper that's been screwed up as it's unwanted and useless. I feel like the bit that's been thrown at the bin yet missed the receptacle and landed lonely and spent on the floor somewhere nearby. The piece of paper that was almost useful once but then was abandoned and left in a crumpled heap on the floor.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!

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