Sunday, 30 October 2016

Death, guilt and signs from beyond ...

I was busily checking my Facebook timeline on Thursday morning when I saw something that pierced my heart and made me feel very sad and tearful.

If you have read my blog in the past you will know all about my family and issues with my Mother. In a nutshell my Dad left her for another woman in 2002/2003 and my mum issued me with an ultimatum. She said I should dump my Dad or she would never speak to me again.

I didn't dump my Dad, she has had nothing to do with me ever since.

My daughter was born in 2005 and she met my Mother once at a family do around 2009, somewhat by fluke as opposed to planning, but nothing since, not even a birthday card.

I wrote to my Mum when I was pregnant offering to try and arrange some form of contact with my unborn child so that they could at least know each other even if we were at odds. She wrote back saying 'it was a fate worse than death'.

My Mum is one of four children born to parents in Cornwall in 1948. Two boys and two girls.

I haven't spoken with her since that day that she issued me with her ultimatum, never likely to now I would say.

Because of the issues with Mum the other brothers and sister have found it very, very difficult over the years to play on both sides of the fence so to speak. They donned a 'Team Mum' shirt and always sounded like they thought I was lying to them when I discussed the situation. Whenever I visited I had to book an appointment so as not to coincide with Mother. It made me feel dirty, unwanted, unloved.  After 4-5 years of this stunted relationship I stopped contacting them. They didn't contact me. We let sleeping dogs lie.

In the mean time my grandfather and their dad died of old age. It was deemed unsuitable for me to attend the funeral, apparently it would have upset the proceedings.

On Thursday 27/10/16, I discovered through a Facebook post from my Mums younger brother that my Mums sister had died of cancer on Tuesday evening. I hadn't even known she was ill. Devastation.

I sobbed all day, through grief but also guilt I think.

Not to dissimilar to me in age she had been the younger sister I had never had. She showed me the ways of the world! She taught me about men, drinking and was just so loving, so kind and gentle. So unlike her older sister. I used to ask her 'why couldn't you have been my Mum?' She'd always reply 'oh my bird she loves you really'. She called me bird you see, a colloquial term of endearment.

Shell shocked and sad I've pondered the events. I feel like I should have risen above the crap and kept in touch. I would like to have said good-bye and I love you. I feel robbed, punished and wronged. If I didn't already despise my Mother I do now. In fact I feel like the universe took the wrong sister. She was mid 50's and did not deserve to leave yet, maybe she had learnt what she needed to move on to the next phase of this universe and our tests?

I feel selfishly that I was in a bad place anyways before this shit hit the fan and I'm wobbling more and more as my proverbial 'Jenga' game (discussed in last blog) heads towards the deck more and more with each passing hour.

I have work tomorrow and all the ensuing cack that goes with dealing with complaints for a living and I'm dreading it so much.

Last night as I passed my dormant computer in the pitch black to let my dogs out for a night-time wee the screen activated. It never does that! Normally you have to click the mouse and hit the enter key. There on the screen was a bird, very colourful sat on a perch. Not one of my usual screen savers at all, never seen it before or since.  I stood shocked wondering if I was imagining it or maybe still dreaming. I turned to let the dogs out, shaking my head and at that moment it powered down again and was gone.

I'm hoping that was Tina dropping by to let me know she's okay and to acknowledge that she knows I loved her dearly. Hopefully love really does transcend our human bonds...


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