I think I may have turned a corner today.
Debbie, a life coach provided by Save Our Soldiers Charity (see previous blog for links etc.) came to my home and worked with me all day.
Right now I'm physically knackered, mentally numbed in some respects but happy not to feel so anxious for the time being. For the first time in forever I think there may well be a less grumpy, entirely capable woman lurking in the depths of my psyche waiting for Debbie to dig out bit by bit.
I believe I started the day off from a point of view scepticism because I have felt so unwell and burdened for so long that I found myself backed into a corner so far that I could barely see anything.
My first impressions of people always count for a lot and the minute I laid eyes on Debbie I felt less concerned, less in fear of being dominated for the day. I kind of expected a matriarchal female to arrive in a business like manner ready to sort me out, but instead I found a grounded, incredibly clever educated woman with boundless compassion and immense kindness sitting in my lounge. The fact she was a dog lover and brought 'Dave' the Dachshund with her helped immensely, but then I suspect she knew that anyway and planned it that way.
Debbie is intuitive, happy to listen to boundless amounts of inane brain ramblings and clearly exceptionally talented at what she does.
I found some of her techniques a little 'hippy' like but they appear to have reaped results as I'm feeling like my shoulders aren't up around my ears for starters. Debbie used a technique that I think she referred to as REM, or it worked by accessing the brains processing area like we do naturally during our REM sleep processes. It re-orders and asks the brain to process information in a different way, thus learning to associate and desensitise the brain against anxious things, bad memories and instead link these memories with more calming pleasurable things. (Sorry Debbie if that description is pants!!)
I do feel a little like Mr Ben tonight, like I have walked into that shop, entered a cubicle and then walked out the other side, still me but slightly different!
As I was driving to get Ellie, baby bear, I felt like I had, had an MOT and service!
What I am trying to convey to you is the feeling you get when you collect you car after it has had a service. Yes it is the same old car but it feels tweaked, brakes more responsive, handbrake tighter, water bottle for the windscreen full of the good blue stuff.
So I feel tweaked, serviced!!
I feel like an enhanced version of myself, or at least the chrysalis of the beautiful butterfly I can become with work and dedication to getting myself well again.
Day Two tomorrow... so standby for the next instalment!!!