So I've purposely left my blog until I settled back in to some sort of normality at work.
Plus I entered a book writing competition!! ITV's #thismorning are running a #BeaBestSeller competition! I've always wanted to write so I got my backside in to gear for a change and submitted an entry! Ho ho ho!!!
Anyway back to reality - I'm on a staged return which means stating off at minimal hours and then working gradually back up to normal.
Literally my first day back was the 5th November and I did two hours and left again. My boss did sit me down and gave me a little lecture on how to manage stress and he seemed to think seeing all my complainants face to face and not making any telephone calls would resolve my stress issues.
I think the UK cops have a lot to learn about managing people with depression and anxiety. I have been totally honest with them. Probably too honest! I've told them I'm on anti-depressants and taking beta blockers for anxiety. They know I was off for five and a half months. They know I'm on a staged return. But still I walk back through the door and nothing has changed really. I have not seen the occupational health people prior to or since returning. The job know I am waiting for counselling. There should at least be other fellow sufferers who could mentor you or contact you surely? It feels so lonely and isolating but in reality there must be others going through the same traumas?
I had a very bad day today and at one point was sat at my desk with tears rolling down my face but I gave myself a stern talking to and swallowed them away. The trigger for that particular emotion welling up was the fact HR have sent me through course dates/warnings for next February. A course that runs on three consecutive days from 1330 x 2130 daily. I single parent and have no overnight/evening child care. I stupidly said out loud how bloody ridiculous this was for me. The office sort of turned on me and told me to man up and then suggested 'perhaps do the early one instead then'. Apparently there is also a course at 0730 x 1230. Also no use to me for similar reasons. My daughter doesn't stay overnight with her dad as she gets very anxious and upset. So she is always home with me. The idea of sorting this particular problem out to manage to be able to attend this course was enough to push me over the edge. The office mean well but do not have the faintest idea how it feels to be freaked out by such simple things. They do not know the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and scared by daft day to day worries such as a silly course and child care arrangements. What's is worse is that I know in my heart of hearts how pathetic I sound whining about it and worrying about it out loud. But that is how I feel, I cannot change it, much as I would love to.
It's like people keep asking me how I am, 'are you better?' Grrr my pet hate because I have to lie and paint on a false smile on my face to cover the hurt I'm really feeling. I was on the verge today because when one person asked I snapped back 'you don't really want an honest answer to that do you? Nobody really wants to know they just expect back that bog standard 'fine thank you' The look I got was priceless and realising the confusion he was experiencing at my outburst I just wound my neck in really quickly and smiled sweetly and said 'fine thank you'!!!
As I drove home I couldn't help but think about my future and how the hell I am going to get through another ten years to make my full pension?! Even five years seems like a life time. If I'm already back to crying at three hours twice a week what hope is there for me?
I was also thinking today how confusing it is to not be able to pull myself together. What I mean is as a cop we generally just shrug things off. Get on with stuff. Keep on moving. But I'm struggling badly as I cannot shake off this darkness. I'm trying to pull myself together so hard but it's just not happening. How long will I get away with pretending to be 'normal' I wonder?! I feel like such a fraud sitting there at my desk dressed in my business clothes looking like I'm a professional when I feel anything but professional!
I feel like an empty husk, the grass seed that was my former self has floated away on an unseen gust of wind!
Anyway making tea beckons..... Catch you all soon x
Thursday, 20 November 2014
Tuesday, 4 November 2014
Hi ho Hi ho - it's back to work I go......
So an update as to my current whereabouts upon life's confusing map is called for I feel!?
Tomorrow I have to start a phased return to work after five and a half months off on sickness leave. I am therefore probably at the opening of a dense forest, heading into uncharted territory! A forest full of mean veracious beasties ready to nip at my heels and maul me at the slightest trip! Or is that unfair of me? Perhaps I'm at a style that will lead me in to a meadow full of spring flowers. A colourful, joyful place that smells sweetly with all the flowers swaying in unison as a mild spring breeze ripples them gently? A soft beautiful natural carpet that will cushion any falls?
If my analogies leave you cold then I'm asking this question...will it be a friendly, happy supported return to work or will it be dark, cold and full of mean spirited experiences?
Time will obviously tell but what I am definitely not sure how about, is how to answer the inevitable question...'Are you feeling better now?' or 'How are you?' I guess it harps back to a previous blog I wrote when I said people really are not truly interested in the answer but merely observing an accepted social ritual by asking that daily question. The answer they probably want is 'Fine thank you' or 'yes much better thanks' The trouble is I don't feel much like lying or saying 'fine thank you' I sort of want to try and explain what's been going on.
I feel that I have discovered a truth about myself that I've been keeping hidden for many years even from my own conscious self and I want to share my new found knowledge. I'm finding it very cathartic to be honest for a change and admit I am suffering with depression. The trouble is if I do say 'I have depression and am suffering with anxiety and panic attacks' I think that people will start treating me differently. I have seen and read from the experiences of other depression suffers that the minute anyone gets to the truth of such an illness that they react in often extraordinary ways and quite frequently side-line individuals or even dismiss them from their lives altogether.
This is clearly borne from fear is it not? Fear maybe of not knowing what to say to people suffering with mental illness, fear of it being something you could catch maybe!? Fear that anyone suffering from a mental illness could at any time turn violent and harm them? What is it that we are scared of when someone says they have a mental illness? Is it purely just an animalistic reaction? Animals eject those pack members that are unstable and unbalanced from their ranks don't they? The weak and unbalanced are hounded out of the group so that their weaknesses and instabilities do not endanger the packs survival. Lose one member as opposed to putting the majority in danger. Is it then that our human reactions to mental illness are based around just such an instinct I wonder? Eject the perceived unstable and weak links?
In purely visual terms and painting a picture with words AND purely as an analogy I hasten to add... it would be like in a video game whereby the 'heroes' in this instance those not suffering with any mental illness chase down and eradicates the 'zombies' who in this analogy would be those of us suffering with a mental illness!!
I think this may be especially inherent in the police service where we deal daily with so many calls relating to mental illness sufferers. Perhaps the rank and file may feel that you, the sufferer, have crossed a moral boundary and become one of 'them' .. the afflicted! Almost as if you've committed some heinous crime like robbing an old lady and become a criminal. Instantly thereby loathed as a low life and thereby drawing an immediate desire to eject you from the group for having crossed a moral boundary?
But having just said all that, could that concept of instability and weakness not just be my depression talking? Are those of us suffering with mental illness not just as valuable members of society as the next person? We are strong people who have fought adversity and conquered life's battles. We have haven't we persisted in quests to weave our way through lives traumas where perhaps others would have fallen sooner?
Rhetoric aside...the fact remains I'm going back to work tomorrow!
As I walk through those gates and in to that building my heart will be pounding....but why? What is likely to happen? What motivates my fears? Maybe it is the thought of people seeing me and talking amongst themselves about me that bothers me so intensely? But why should other people's opinions mean so much to me? Or any of us for that matter? I think a lot of my stresses and strains come from being far too wrapped up in wondering what other people think of me. Why for instance do we draw comparisons of our own lives, looks and achievements with others? Why do I have to live my life according to the 'is that fair' rule ? If it weren't for my drawing a constant comparison of myself to others lives and then my asking the question 'is that fair?' I know my life would be so much simpler and less fraught! But I do ask myself and I can't seem to stop. Don't we all though? Someone wins the lottery...are they more deserving than us?.. 'is that fair?!' That rude person that joins the other check out queue after you and yet gets served before you...is that fair?! There is a never ending cycle of 'is that fair' going on in my head!
So tomorrow morning at 9am GMT as I climb those four flights of stairs to our offices knees trembling, heart pounding to re-join the rank and file spare a thought for me!! Spare a thought for me as I decide whether to say 'I'm fine thank you' or be more candid!
What I need to do is swallow a positive pill. The glass is half full not half empty like normal! The rain is such a gift to the crops not that it's blooming awful and made me completely soaked through!
Positivity would be the key if it weren't for the black dog of depression burying that damned key deep in a big black hole!
Spare me a thought tomorrow x
Tomorrow I have to start a phased return to work after five and a half months off on sickness leave. I am therefore probably at the opening of a dense forest, heading into uncharted territory! A forest full of mean veracious beasties ready to nip at my heels and maul me at the slightest trip! Or is that unfair of me? Perhaps I'm at a style that will lead me in to a meadow full of spring flowers. A colourful, joyful place that smells sweetly with all the flowers swaying in unison as a mild spring breeze ripples them gently? A soft beautiful natural carpet that will cushion any falls?
If my analogies leave you cold then I'm asking this question...will it be a friendly, happy supported return to work or will it be dark, cold and full of mean spirited experiences?
Time will obviously tell but what I am definitely not sure how about, is how to answer the inevitable question...'Are you feeling better now?' or 'How are you?' I guess it harps back to a previous blog I wrote when I said people really are not truly interested in the answer but merely observing an accepted social ritual by asking that daily question. The answer they probably want is 'Fine thank you' or 'yes much better thanks' The trouble is I don't feel much like lying or saying 'fine thank you' I sort of want to try and explain what's been going on.
I feel that I have discovered a truth about myself that I've been keeping hidden for many years even from my own conscious self and I want to share my new found knowledge. I'm finding it very cathartic to be honest for a change and admit I am suffering with depression. The trouble is if I do say 'I have depression and am suffering with anxiety and panic attacks' I think that people will start treating me differently. I have seen and read from the experiences of other depression suffers that the minute anyone gets to the truth of such an illness that they react in often extraordinary ways and quite frequently side-line individuals or even dismiss them from their lives altogether.
This is clearly borne from fear is it not? Fear maybe of not knowing what to say to people suffering with mental illness, fear of it being something you could catch maybe!? Fear that anyone suffering from a mental illness could at any time turn violent and harm them? What is it that we are scared of when someone says they have a mental illness? Is it purely just an animalistic reaction? Animals eject those pack members that are unstable and unbalanced from their ranks don't they? The weak and unbalanced are hounded out of the group so that their weaknesses and instabilities do not endanger the packs survival. Lose one member as opposed to putting the majority in danger. Is it then that our human reactions to mental illness are based around just such an instinct I wonder? Eject the perceived unstable and weak links?
In purely visual terms and painting a picture with words AND purely as an analogy I hasten to add... it would be like in a video game whereby the 'heroes' in this instance those not suffering with any mental illness chase down and eradicates the 'zombies' who in this analogy would be those of us suffering with a mental illness!!
I think this may be especially inherent in the police service where we deal daily with so many calls relating to mental illness sufferers. Perhaps the rank and file may feel that you, the sufferer, have crossed a moral boundary and become one of 'them' .. the afflicted! Almost as if you've committed some heinous crime like robbing an old lady and become a criminal. Instantly thereby loathed as a low life and thereby drawing an immediate desire to eject you from the group for having crossed a moral boundary?
But having just said all that, could that concept of instability and weakness not just be my depression talking? Are those of us suffering with mental illness not just as valuable members of society as the next person? We are strong people who have fought adversity and conquered life's battles. We have haven't we persisted in quests to weave our way through lives traumas where perhaps others would have fallen sooner?
Rhetoric aside...the fact remains I'm going back to work tomorrow!
As I walk through those gates and in to that building my heart will be pounding....but why? What is likely to happen? What motivates my fears? Maybe it is the thought of people seeing me and talking amongst themselves about me that bothers me so intensely? But why should other people's opinions mean so much to me? Or any of us for that matter? I think a lot of my stresses and strains come from being far too wrapped up in wondering what other people think of me. Why for instance do we draw comparisons of our own lives, looks and achievements with others? Why do I have to live my life according to the 'is that fair' rule ? If it weren't for my drawing a constant comparison of myself to others lives and then my asking the question 'is that fair?' I know my life would be so much simpler and less fraught! But I do ask myself and I can't seem to stop. Don't we all though? Someone wins the lottery...are they more deserving than us?.. 'is that fair?!' That rude person that joins the other check out queue after you and yet gets served before you...is that fair?! There is a never ending cycle of 'is that fair' going on in my head!
So tomorrow morning at 9am GMT as I climb those four flights of stairs to our offices knees trembling, heart pounding to re-join the rank and file spare a thought for me!! Spare a thought for me as I decide whether to say 'I'm fine thank you' or be more candid!
What I need to do is swallow a positive pill. The glass is half full not half empty like normal! The rain is such a gift to the crops not that it's blooming awful and made me completely soaked through!
Positivity would be the key if it weren't for the black dog of depression burying that damned key deep in a big black hole!
Spare me a thought tomorrow x
Thursday, 30 October 2014
Depression in it's physical manifestation?
So I thought it might be a good idea to tell you all about this journey of discovery into my depression and what my symptoms were and how things came to the point at which I find myself today.
Back in May of this year I didn't really think things were any different to how they had been for many years. Busy times as a single working parent, juggling my responsibilities as a working adult with my full time caring duties as a single parent to a nine year old daughter.
When you're on your own even small ups and downs in the road of life can often become quite overwhelming and my life was no different to a lot of other peoples in this vain. Money problems, concerns about your children's discipline and diet, guilt about juggling work against child care. Family worries and emotional support being called upon from others. Relationships with co-workers and inter-office politics. Pets and their problems. Household chores and gardening. Shopping and saving money or trying to for holidays and so on and so on. My point I guess is there seems to be a never ending list of things to stress you, things that need worrying about. If you're not careful these seemingly minor things can all clump together like a knot in a child's hair and become insurmountable problems that seem impossible to detangle and deal with. Then you keep going, keep fighting often for years and years. All the time you keep dragging that proverbial comb through the hair until it finally and permanently it snags in the knot and there's no going back. Everything stops.
The comb is stuck good and fast and no amount of wriggling or jiggling or pulling on it will shift it unless you finally address the tangles and the condition of the hair!
The hair 'my life' I guess got to that point in May. The comb finally snagged and everything stopped. I desperately tried to pull the comb free but it just broke off leaving me with no way forward but to deal with my life and the issues therein. In May I started to feel physically very poorly, I had acute dizziness like a travel sickness. the world would spin and I had to hold on to things to walk around. My head felt like it was in a nut cracker. Physically painful and under constant pressure. It hurt and made me physically sick if I ignored the pain and tried to carry on. I started doing odd things and my memory and ability to recall things in the short term seemed to vanish. I'd leave cooking rings on, make two cups of tea having forgotten I'd only just made one. Park in a free zone yet text the car park a payment despite being no where near it. My body ached all over like having flu and my hands and feet kept going numb with pins and needles. Fatigue, I felt dragging tiredness. The smallest outing or event left me struggling to keep my eyes open and this still hasn't changed of yet.
I went to my GP on a Monday and outlined my symptoms. He determined that I had a tension headache and gave me some strong pain killers for my head. By the Friday I was struggling big time with the power of the headache, it hurt so bad I wanted to wrap it in cotton wool and hide in a box. I went back to the GP. This time he scared the life out of me by saying perhaps I had a brain bleed? He called me an ambulance, refused to let me leave and left me sobbing and in a complete panic. This was 10am on a Friday morning.
I live alone with my daughter and two dogs. I had walked out the door that morning thinking I'd be back in an hour. I had to arrange dog care, someone to pick up my daughter from school and be loaded into an ambulance and taken to hospital. No one to call to give me moral support, all alone and terrified. When we arrived at A&E the questions started and I was moved to an observation ward.
During that day I had a CT Scan of my head and blood tests but other than that was left alone in a bed. No food or drink, small amount of money on me. Stranded away from home with no transport and worried sick what my little girl would think when someone else's mum picked her up and told her I was in hospital. My mobile battery was ebbing away slowly but surely and I had no charger. All in all I lay there scared, alone and sobbing to myself for hours and hours. The CT scan was clear and the relief was amazing. My ex then brought my daughter to see me (under duress I might add) and I just wanted to collapse and be the needy one. She had packed me an overnight bag herself and that and the random contents made me smile. But I just wanted a hug and to be given some love but she clearly needed the comfort and I remained strong, as always, and gave her the support she clearly needed and tried to be bright and unworried. After ten minutes they went away again as it was by now 8pm some 9 hours after my arrival and they had decided to do a lumbar puncture of my spine to rule out meningitis. Watching my daughter leave and feeling the loneliness and emptiness return was like a punch in the guts and I just wanted to sob but the doctor was there straight away to stick a giant needle in my spine and tap my spinal fluid. Ouch that hurts! After the lumbar puncture I was instructed to lie flat for a couple of hours. One hour without moving at all and then after that I could go to the toilet but should return straight to bed. So after an hour at 9.30pm I got up and went to the toilet. I was hungry, thirsty, tired, lonely and generally pretty low and dejected. But the side ward I was in was now empty, the staff had moved elsewhere and I was bodily alone as well as psychologically. I thought it must have gone past the time of day where I'll be sent home surely? But I wasn't sure and went back to bed to wait out the next hour. I struggled to stay awake but I did and thought I could expect the staff to check on me at the two hour mark.... wrong!
I must have fallen asleep but I was awoken at 0130 hours my a nurse. She roughly shook me awake and before I could really even get my bearing she blurted out the lumbar puncture was clear you can leave now I'll call you a taxi. With that and with me still wiping the sleep from my eyes she walked away. The tears came. I started to panic whether I had enough money for a taxi and started after her asking how much it would be from there to home. She shrugged her shoulders. I also asked what happened now? She seemed confused. I said about my symptoms and why I was here. She shrugged again and said 'see your GP'
Then I started wondering how else I could get home. I couldn't wake friends at this time of the day, the buses weren't running and my back hurt badly from the LP and walking across town in the middle of the night to the station seemed really scary and a bleak prospect. There was no warmth from anyone. No one said I could sit in a room until morning or even in the empty bed for a few more hours. I was being chucked out. In a matter of minutes the taxi arrived and I had to ask him quite shamefully how much it would cost as I wasn't sure I had enough. He was genuinely nice and for the first time all day someone showed me some kindness. He said it would be a set £15 and even offered to take me to my car at the GP's surgery. My back was agony and came on top of the remaining symptoms of a blinding headache, flu like aches and dead hands and feet.
By two thirty in the morning I was home and able to sob in peace. Finally I felt safe if bloody ill. But I was in my cocoon.
The following morning I could barely move but the dogs sitter brought the dogs back and I had to pay her £20 for their one nights stay. (Being ill is costly especially when you're hard up in the first place)
My daughter was returned to me too and there I was right back to having to be strong and pretending all was well in the world for her sake.
I returned to my GP on the Monday but he was away! A nurse practitioner saw me and fobbed my off with some pills and told me to come back and see the GP the following week. Over the next couple of weeks he ran various series' of tests but everything came back as negative, except for a neck x-ray showing I had cervical spondylitis, and a blood test that showed at some point unbeknown to me I had had glandular fever. After a couple of weeks though he decided the only way forwards was to refer me for a neurology consultant appointment on an urgent referral due to the continued headaches. It was a shock when the appointment came through as the 28th August! Three months away....urgent?! So after that point I just waited and waited.
Work got cross and started the UPP process as previously discussed on earlier blogs and I continued to feel horrible.
They of course referred me to occupational health and the doctor there was actually really supportive and nice. He however was the first person to hands on physically examine me and he found a lump in my throat and asked me to get my GP to follow up on that!
The neurology appointment finally arrived, seven days after my step mum finally died of cancer and he was a stand offish misery of a guy who didn't have time for me. he stated very quickly that he thought it was a tension headache which swung me right back to day 1 at the GP! I had a tantrum, burst in to tears and left the consultation rapidly. I had pinned three months worth of hopes in him telling me something was tangibly wrong. I was crushed. I wanted vindication for the way I'd been feeling. I wanted a name for my illness. I sat in the hospital car park sobbing again.
My GP kept coming back to stress and I kept arguing vehemently against it. I had physical symptoms. I had been feeling atrocious for months. How could this all be stress? I was referred to the ENT department for my neck lump and on again for an ultrasound. Again that proved negative as the lump was connected to my cervical spondylitis.
Eventually a colleague and friend from work sat me down and tentatively suggested that for the UPP process it would do me some favours to have a diagnosis as there were murmurings a foot that I was swinging the lead and skiving. In reality I think she was actually saying look inside yourself, look in the mirror, look at your tangled hair and the comb stuck there!! I felt cornered, caught and like an animal in the headlights.
But the more I thought on her words the truer they became and finally I when I went back to the GP and I said I think it may possibly be depression? A wry knowing smile decorated his face and he looked like someone that had known for ages but who had been waiting for me to catch up with the truth. He prescribed some anti-depressants and a sick note that runs out this Monday. Sadly this realisation probably came to late for me to tackle it's implications effectively as I think I probably needed longer in this knowledge to take the counselling (I'm on a 6-12 week waiting list) and get more equipped to go back and face the world. But as half pay looms at the six month mark of being off work I simply have no choice but to go back to work.
I'm still struggling with my physical symptoms.
I'm still dog tired for doing very little.
I'm still very fragile mentally........ but I guess the comb is finally free and I perhaps can always go and buy myself some detangling spray?!
Dread wells in my guts and there's the familiar panicky lump in my throat as next week looms :-(
Back in May of this year I didn't really think things were any different to how they had been for many years. Busy times as a single working parent, juggling my responsibilities as a working adult with my full time caring duties as a single parent to a nine year old daughter.
When you're on your own even small ups and downs in the road of life can often become quite overwhelming and my life was no different to a lot of other peoples in this vain. Money problems, concerns about your children's discipline and diet, guilt about juggling work against child care. Family worries and emotional support being called upon from others. Relationships with co-workers and inter-office politics. Pets and their problems. Household chores and gardening. Shopping and saving money or trying to for holidays and so on and so on. My point I guess is there seems to be a never ending list of things to stress you, things that need worrying about. If you're not careful these seemingly minor things can all clump together like a knot in a child's hair and become insurmountable problems that seem impossible to detangle and deal with. Then you keep going, keep fighting often for years and years. All the time you keep dragging that proverbial comb through the hair until it finally and permanently it snags in the knot and there's no going back. Everything stops.
The comb is stuck good and fast and no amount of wriggling or jiggling or pulling on it will shift it unless you finally address the tangles and the condition of the hair!
The hair 'my life' I guess got to that point in May. The comb finally snagged and everything stopped. I desperately tried to pull the comb free but it just broke off leaving me with no way forward but to deal with my life and the issues therein. In May I started to feel physically very poorly, I had acute dizziness like a travel sickness. the world would spin and I had to hold on to things to walk around. My head felt like it was in a nut cracker. Physically painful and under constant pressure. It hurt and made me physically sick if I ignored the pain and tried to carry on. I started doing odd things and my memory and ability to recall things in the short term seemed to vanish. I'd leave cooking rings on, make two cups of tea having forgotten I'd only just made one. Park in a free zone yet text the car park a payment despite being no where near it. My body ached all over like having flu and my hands and feet kept going numb with pins and needles. Fatigue, I felt dragging tiredness. The smallest outing or event left me struggling to keep my eyes open and this still hasn't changed of yet.
I went to my GP on a Monday and outlined my symptoms. He determined that I had a tension headache and gave me some strong pain killers for my head. By the Friday I was struggling big time with the power of the headache, it hurt so bad I wanted to wrap it in cotton wool and hide in a box. I went back to the GP. This time he scared the life out of me by saying perhaps I had a brain bleed? He called me an ambulance, refused to let me leave and left me sobbing and in a complete panic. This was 10am on a Friday morning.
I live alone with my daughter and two dogs. I had walked out the door that morning thinking I'd be back in an hour. I had to arrange dog care, someone to pick up my daughter from school and be loaded into an ambulance and taken to hospital. No one to call to give me moral support, all alone and terrified. When we arrived at A&E the questions started and I was moved to an observation ward.
During that day I had a CT Scan of my head and blood tests but other than that was left alone in a bed. No food or drink, small amount of money on me. Stranded away from home with no transport and worried sick what my little girl would think when someone else's mum picked her up and told her I was in hospital. My mobile battery was ebbing away slowly but surely and I had no charger. All in all I lay there scared, alone and sobbing to myself for hours and hours. The CT scan was clear and the relief was amazing. My ex then brought my daughter to see me (under duress I might add) and I just wanted to collapse and be the needy one. She had packed me an overnight bag herself and that and the random contents made me smile. But I just wanted a hug and to be given some love but she clearly needed the comfort and I remained strong, as always, and gave her the support she clearly needed and tried to be bright and unworried. After ten minutes they went away again as it was by now 8pm some 9 hours after my arrival and they had decided to do a lumbar puncture of my spine to rule out meningitis. Watching my daughter leave and feeling the loneliness and emptiness return was like a punch in the guts and I just wanted to sob but the doctor was there straight away to stick a giant needle in my spine and tap my spinal fluid. Ouch that hurts! After the lumbar puncture I was instructed to lie flat for a couple of hours. One hour without moving at all and then after that I could go to the toilet but should return straight to bed. So after an hour at 9.30pm I got up and went to the toilet. I was hungry, thirsty, tired, lonely and generally pretty low and dejected. But the side ward I was in was now empty, the staff had moved elsewhere and I was bodily alone as well as psychologically. I thought it must have gone past the time of day where I'll be sent home surely? But I wasn't sure and went back to bed to wait out the next hour. I struggled to stay awake but I did and thought I could expect the staff to check on me at the two hour mark.... wrong!
I must have fallen asleep but I was awoken at 0130 hours my a nurse. She roughly shook me awake and before I could really even get my bearing she blurted out the lumbar puncture was clear you can leave now I'll call you a taxi. With that and with me still wiping the sleep from my eyes she walked away. The tears came. I started to panic whether I had enough money for a taxi and started after her asking how much it would be from there to home. She shrugged her shoulders. I also asked what happened now? She seemed confused. I said about my symptoms and why I was here. She shrugged again and said 'see your GP'
Then I started wondering how else I could get home. I couldn't wake friends at this time of the day, the buses weren't running and my back hurt badly from the LP and walking across town in the middle of the night to the station seemed really scary and a bleak prospect. There was no warmth from anyone. No one said I could sit in a room until morning or even in the empty bed for a few more hours. I was being chucked out. In a matter of minutes the taxi arrived and I had to ask him quite shamefully how much it would cost as I wasn't sure I had enough. He was genuinely nice and for the first time all day someone showed me some kindness. He said it would be a set £15 and even offered to take me to my car at the GP's surgery. My back was agony and came on top of the remaining symptoms of a blinding headache, flu like aches and dead hands and feet.
By two thirty in the morning I was home and able to sob in peace. Finally I felt safe if bloody ill. But I was in my cocoon.
The following morning I could barely move but the dogs sitter brought the dogs back and I had to pay her £20 for their one nights stay. (Being ill is costly especially when you're hard up in the first place)
My daughter was returned to me too and there I was right back to having to be strong and pretending all was well in the world for her sake.
I returned to my GP on the Monday but he was away! A nurse practitioner saw me and fobbed my off with some pills and told me to come back and see the GP the following week. Over the next couple of weeks he ran various series' of tests but everything came back as negative, except for a neck x-ray showing I had cervical spondylitis, and a blood test that showed at some point unbeknown to me I had had glandular fever. After a couple of weeks though he decided the only way forwards was to refer me for a neurology consultant appointment on an urgent referral due to the continued headaches. It was a shock when the appointment came through as the 28th August! Three months away....urgent?! So after that point I just waited and waited.
Work got cross and started the UPP process as previously discussed on earlier blogs and I continued to feel horrible.
They of course referred me to occupational health and the doctor there was actually really supportive and nice. He however was the first person to hands on physically examine me and he found a lump in my throat and asked me to get my GP to follow up on that!
The neurology appointment finally arrived, seven days after my step mum finally died of cancer and he was a stand offish misery of a guy who didn't have time for me. he stated very quickly that he thought it was a tension headache which swung me right back to day 1 at the GP! I had a tantrum, burst in to tears and left the consultation rapidly. I had pinned three months worth of hopes in him telling me something was tangibly wrong. I was crushed. I wanted vindication for the way I'd been feeling. I wanted a name for my illness. I sat in the hospital car park sobbing again.
My GP kept coming back to stress and I kept arguing vehemently against it. I had physical symptoms. I had been feeling atrocious for months. How could this all be stress? I was referred to the ENT department for my neck lump and on again for an ultrasound. Again that proved negative as the lump was connected to my cervical spondylitis.
Eventually a colleague and friend from work sat me down and tentatively suggested that for the UPP process it would do me some favours to have a diagnosis as there were murmurings a foot that I was swinging the lead and skiving. In reality I think she was actually saying look inside yourself, look in the mirror, look at your tangled hair and the comb stuck there!! I felt cornered, caught and like an animal in the headlights.
But the more I thought on her words the truer they became and finally I when I went back to the GP and I said I think it may possibly be depression? A wry knowing smile decorated his face and he looked like someone that had known for ages but who had been waiting for me to catch up with the truth. He prescribed some anti-depressants and a sick note that runs out this Monday. Sadly this realisation probably came to late for me to tackle it's implications effectively as I think I probably needed longer in this knowledge to take the counselling (I'm on a 6-12 week waiting list) and get more equipped to go back and face the world. But as half pay looms at the six month mark of being off work I simply have no choice but to go back to work.
I'm still struggling with my physical symptoms.
I'm still dog tired for doing very little.
I'm still very fragile mentally........ but I guess the comb is finally free and I perhaps can always go and buy myself some detangling spray?!
Dread wells in my guts and there's the familiar panicky lump in my throat as next week looms :-(
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
FIRST STAGE UPP MEETING - Reg 15 Police Regs 2012
So Monday the 27th October came and went.
I got up feeling fairly accepting of what the day was going to bring, that was until I read a tweet from my dear friend and it brought home that it was actually a meeting with some quite a serious implications for me. She talked of being with me in spirit and that everything would be okay. Then I started crying and for a while I was quite tearful on and off. I maintained 'my front' around my daughter however and tried to appear nonchalant and looking as if I was at ease with the world. A skill I am becoming used to.
I walked my dogs up and over the hill at the back of the house and it felt weird thinking I was going to a meeting whereby they would be deciding whether or not to start a ball rolling that could eventually sack me and why? ....Because I've been signed off sick by a medical practitioner for five and a half months.
One would think the half pay looming would be motivation enough, but no the Winsor review brought in these new regulations and procedures. I pondered as I walked about the first I had heard of it and them and it was after I had been off work for a month and my boss who had not been in touch at all decided to come and visit me at home. It turned out that he actually wanted to complete paperwork with me in regards of the Unsatisfactory Performance Procedures at that early stage. He sat in my lounge filling out paperwork in regards of my 'unsatisfactory performance'. There was one question that asked him as a line manager how could the officer improve their attendance and performance?! At the time I was incensed by the question and the whole process as it suggested to me I was being unsatisfactory 'naughty' by being off sick.
Then he put that away and went through all thirteen of my case files asking me where I was at with each job and what I had done. Like a progress review. But let's remember I had been off work a month by now, had been in hospital and feeling horrific with crashing headaches, aching body, crippling fatigue and so on. The pressure I felt was immense and I had to read back through my own logs and progress comments to even recall what each job was and where I was at with it.
I spoke to my boss once more between this one month stage and the service of further paperwork relating to the unsatisfactory performance procedures at the five months stage.
I got home from the dog walk and jumped in a bath wanting to get myself washed and dressed with plenty of time to spare. The meeting was at 1400 hours, I had to drop my daughter to a friend around 1315 hours and meet the federation at 1330 hours so I didn't want to be late or rushing which would panic me more especially with 'mini me' in tow! Then came the 'what to wear' dilemma. Business, casual or a mixture? I didn't want to look to obliging or together but on the flip side not too dishevelled or rebellious! I stood staring at a flowery blouse for ages trying to decide if it was so jolly and frivolous for such a serious occasion. I couldn't decide and went downstairs where my daughter said I looked 'weird' which helped immensely as you can imagine! By now my nerves are frazzled and jangling and my next dilemma was whether or not to straighten my hair or not!? Naturally curly unruly hair or straight business like bob?! I decided on frazzled like the inside of my head! I also decided the only make up I would wear would be mascara and a small amount of lippy. Again not wanting to appear too 'with it' or ready for work! Overthinking things or what?!
I kept checking the clock it was now 1130 hours.... the clocks having just gone back 'mini me' then announces 'I'm hungry' grrrr and I try and concentrate hard enough to muster the motivation to go and make her some lunch! Then the federation representative started texting me and I got distracted by that! I decide against my 'financial' better judgement to order a pizza as I just could focus enough to fix food. So an order was placed and I start to feel tight chested again....
Then the fed rep asks me if he can ring me.....urghhh...... last thing I need right now I was thinking BUT he's doing an awesome job and I owe him big style so he rings ......
MEETING CANCELLED MEETING CANCELLED MEETING CANCELLED!!!!
STAND DOWN STAND DOWN STAND DOWN!!!
Turns out that during our text conversation I had told him that I would be returning to work on the 5/11 as I just cannot manage on half pay. He had then gone and fought my corner with my line manager and HR quoting police regulations at them and generally hassling them big style about whose interests it would be in to hold the meeting or to put me onto Stage 1. Initially he said they were not having any of it but eventually they agreed and cancelled the meeting. Never underestimate having federation support and if you aren't a member and you are 'job' get yourself some membership right now. Incredible advice and support when you need it most and in the current shoot them first ask questions later times and with all the tactics being used you never know when you'll be next in the firing line and in need of their help.
So there I was all dressed with nowhere to go and my daughter was sulking as she had to stay with me and not go to the child care!!! CHARMED I'M SURE!
As it was we went to the park and she crushed her foot on a stepper which has left her on crutches!! That's karma for you!!
Now I'm counting down the days until I go back to work :-( a week today.
A phased return a bit at a time.
I'm already looking forward to my leave at Christmas and hoping I get that far without doing something drastic like resign!
The day after the meeting was cancelled a colleague contacted me to ask me how I wanted my 'long service medal' awarded?!!
Ceremony or privately?
Talk about two contrasting days!
I got up feeling fairly accepting of what the day was going to bring, that was until I read a tweet from my dear friend and it brought home that it was actually a meeting with some quite a serious implications for me. She talked of being with me in spirit and that everything would be okay. Then I started crying and for a while I was quite tearful on and off. I maintained 'my front' around my daughter however and tried to appear nonchalant and looking as if I was at ease with the world. A skill I am becoming used to.
I walked my dogs up and over the hill at the back of the house and it felt weird thinking I was going to a meeting whereby they would be deciding whether or not to start a ball rolling that could eventually sack me and why? ....Because I've been signed off sick by a medical practitioner for five and a half months.
One would think the half pay looming would be motivation enough, but no the Winsor review brought in these new regulations and procedures. I pondered as I walked about the first I had heard of it and them and it was after I had been off work for a month and my boss who had not been in touch at all decided to come and visit me at home. It turned out that he actually wanted to complete paperwork with me in regards of the Unsatisfactory Performance Procedures at that early stage. He sat in my lounge filling out paperwork in regards of my 'unsatisfactory performance'. There was one question that asked him as a line manager how could the officer improve their attendance and performance?! At the time I was incensed by the question and the whole process as it suggested to me I was being unsatisfactory 'naughty' by being off sick.
Then he put that away and went through all thirteen of my case files asking me where I was at with each job and what I had done. Like a progress review. But let's remember I had been off work a month by now, had been in hospital and feeling horrific with crashing headaches, aching body, crippling fatigue and so on. The pressure I felt was immense and I had to read back through my own logs and progress comments to even recall what each job was and where I was at with it.
I spoke to my boss once more between this one month stage and the service of further paperwork relating to the unsatisfactory performance procedures at the five months stage.
I got home from the dog walk and jumped in a bath wanting to get myself washed and dressed with plenty of time to spare. The meeting was at 1400 hours, I had to drop my daughter to a friend around 1315 hours and meet the federation at 1330 hours so I didn't want to be late or rushing which would panic me more especially with 'mini me' in tow! Then came the 'what to wear' dilemma. Business, casual or a mixture? I didn't want to look to obliging or together but on the flip side not too dishevelled or rebellious! I stood staring at a flowery blouse for ages trying to decide if it was so jolly and frivolous for such a serious occasion. I couldn't decide and went downstairs where my daughter said I looked 'weird' which helped immensely as you can imagine! By now my nerves are frazzled and jangling and my next dilemma was whether or not to straighten my hair or not!? Naturally curly unruly hair or straight business like bob?! I decided on frazzled like the inside of my head! I also decided the only make up I would wear would be mascara and a small amount of lippy. Again not wanting to appear too 'with it' or ready for work! Overthinking things or what?!
I kept checking the clock it was now 1130 hours.... the clocks having just gone back 'mini me' then announces 'I'm hungry' grrrr and I try and concentrate hard enough to muster the motivation to go and make her some lunch! Then the federation representative started texting me and I got distracted by that! I decide against my 'financial' better judgement to order a pizza as I just could focus enough to fix food. So an order was placed and I start to feel tight chested again....
Then the fed rep asks me if he can ring me.....urghhh...... last thing I need right now I was thinking BUT he's doing an awesome job and I owe him big style so he rings ......
MEETING CANCELLED MEETING CANCELLED MEETING CANCELLED!!!!
STAND DOWN STAND DOWN STAND DOWN!!!
Turns out that during our text conversation I had told him that I would be returning to work on the 5/11 as I just cannot manage on half pay. He had then gone and fought my corner with my line manager and HR quoting police regulations at them and generally hassling them big style about whose interests it would be in to hold the meeting or to put me onto Stage 1. Initially he said they were not having any of it but eventually they agreed and cancelled the meeting. Never underestimate having federation support and if you aren't a member and you are 'job' get yourself some membership right now. Incredible advice and support when you need it most and in the current shoot them first ask questions later times and with all the tactics being used you never know when you'll be next in the firing line and in need of their help.
So there I was all dressed with nowhere to go and my daughter was sulking as she had to stay with me and not go to the child care!!! CHARMED I'M SURE!
As it was we went to the park and she crushed her foot on a stepper which has left her on crutches!! That's karma for you!!
Now I'm counting down the days until I go back to work :-( a week today.
A phased return a bit at a time.
I'm already looking forward to my leave at Christmas and hoping I get that far without doing something drastic like resign!
The day after the meeting was cancelled a colleague contacted me to ask me how I wanted my 'long service medal' awarded?!!
Ceremony or privately?
Talk about two contrasting days!
Sunday, 26 October 2014
Soul Searching
Do people generally spend time psychoanalysing themselves or am I just a complete freak? Since writing my last post I have had to do a lot of soul searching.
I was awaiting figures you may recall for the half pay scenario to show me how bad things would be if I was still off work sick and the half pay kicked in as of 17/11. Well I'm not too good at maths but the general picture painted to me is that going onto half pay is a no no. Especially if your trouble is stress, anxiety and depression because there are so many variables, and variables' mean uncertainty and uncertainty means stress. There's the unpredictability of an ESA claim from the DWP and whether or not you would be awarded the £72 a week for 13 weeks and there's also an immense chapter and verse type 52 page form, detailing your bust size to how many times a week you fart, to fill out in order to be assessed for it. There's also a claim to be made and paperwork to be completed for the police federation group insurance which would I'm told make up 25% of your gross salary. There's also the the fact you'd be even further removed from the work place and dealing with the stress of ever climbing back on the work train. In fact it was made perfectly clear to me that this was not a viable option and therefore the only way forwards is back to work.
The next hurdle is whether or not the force will still decide tomorrow to put me on stage one of the unsatisfactory performance procedures, and then to work out how/where and for how long I go back to work in the first instance. I've been told to consider what are my stress factors, to identify them so they can be considered and possibly circumnavigated.
Well people in general trigger my stress so let's clear them out the way first off!!... yes all of them!
In all seriousness every time I sit and consider this question seriously I start to panic and move away from the thoughts so I can calm down. I'm already feeling panicked and tight chested just thinking about going up to headquarters for this meeting tomorrow. I've been told not to speak during the meeting and let the fed rep do it all!! I hope I don't have a Tourette's style outburst! Sticking tape may be called for!
It's been suggested I work away from my normal station to start with...but I think that's counterproductive. But the advice is confused because in one breath it's you have to face coming back sometime but in the next breath it's work somewhere else. How is that facing things? It just postpones the inevitable and leaves me anxious about what's being said about me working elsewhere by my normal work colleagues' . Plus I'd have to explain to whomever I ended up working with why I'm there for a small amount of time. No back to normal it has to be and let's hope the elastic band in my head doesn't snap! So it's half term this week and my sick note expires on the 2/11. So I'll go back to my GP 3/11, get signed back with a prescriptive detailed 'fit' note and bite the bullet and go back to my normal office and face the music.
Easy to write, not so easy to do! What do I wear tomorrow? Business clothes? But then I'll look 'too' together. Make Up? Or go looking gaunt and manic! Or dirty jeans so I look as unkempt on the outside as I feel on the inside?! God knows...? I can't even plan that in my head without feeling queasy and why is that? Let's face it all I have to do is drive there, sit in a meeting saying nothing and leave again! I guess it's being judged, being pitied, or maybe being despised and yes definitely being talked about when I'm not there. Just being a focal point isn't comfortable is it?
Something else that troubles me is just finding the motivation and energy to go back to work. Getting out of bed to walk dogs, to get my daughter ready for school. Getting her to school. Getting to work on time. Running around at work, running home. Collecting her from childcare. Making tea and feeding her. Doing her reading etc. walking the dogs again. My working days are endless and full of chores. Yet at the moment just finding the energy or the inclination to switch on the telly, or pick socks off the floor is challenging and difficult. How the hell am I going to get all that done again every day? I sit and stare in to space and time just ebbs by like water in a river.
I feel so lost. I feel so crumpled and inept. I feel like the piece of paper that's been screwed up as it's unwanted and useless. I feel like the bit that's been thrown at the bin yet missed the receptacle and landed lonely and spent on the floor somewhere nearby. The piece of paper that was almost useful once but then was abandoned and left in a crumpled heap on the floor.
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!
I was awaiting figures you may recall for the half pay scenario to show me how bad things would be if I was still off work sick and the half pay kicked in as of 17/11. Well I'm not too good at maths but the general picture painted to me is that going onto half pay is a no no. Especially if your trouble is stress, anxiety and depression because there are so many variables, and variables' mean uncertainty and uncertainty means stress. There's the unpredictability of an ESA claim from the DWP and whether or not you would be awarded the £72 a week for 13 weeks and there's also an immense chapter and verse type 52 page form, detailing your bust size to how many times a week you fart, to fill out in order to be assessed for it. There's also a claim to be made and paperwork to be completed for the police federation group insurance which would I'm told make up 25% of your gross salary. There's also the the fact you'd be even further removed from the work place and dealing with the stress of ever climbing back on the work train. In fact it was made perfectly clear to me that this was not a viable option and therefore the only way forwards is back to work.
The next hurdle is whether or not the force will still decide tomorrow to put me on stage one of the unsatisfactory performance procedures, and then to work out how/where and for how long I go back to work in the first instance. I've been told to consider what are my stress factors, to identify them so they can be considered and possibly circumnavigated.
Well people in general trigger my stress so let's clear them out the way first off!!... yes all of them!
In all seriousness every time I sit and consider this question seriously I start to panic and move away from the thoughts so I can calm down. I'm already feeling panicked and tight chested just thinking about going up to headquarters for this meeting tomorrow. I've been told not to speak during the meeting and let the fed rep do it all!! I hope I don't have a Tourette's style outburst! Sticking tape may be called for!
It's been suggested I work away from my normal station to start with...but I think that's counterproductive. But the advice is confused because in one breath it's you have to face coming back sometime but in the next breath it's work somewhere else. How is that facing things? It just postpones the inevitable and leaves me anxious about what's being said about me working elsewhere by my normal work colleagues' . Plus I'd have to explain to whomever I ended up working with why I'm there for a small amount of time. No back to normal it has to be and let's hope the elastic band in my head doesn't snap! So it's half term this week and my sick note expires on the 2/11. So I'll go back to my GP 3/11, get signed back with a prescriptive detailed 'fit' note and bite the bullet and go back to my normal office and face the music.
Easy to write, not so easy to do! What do I wear tomorrow? Business clothes? But then I'll look 'too' together. Make Up? Or go looking gaunt and manic! Or dirty jeans so I look as unkempt on the outside as I feel on the inside?! God knows...? I can't even plan that in my head without feeling queasy and why is that? Let's face it all I have to do is drive there, sit in a meeting saying nothing and leave again! I guess it's being judged, being pitied, or maybe being despised and yes definitely being talked about when I'm not there. Just being a focal point isn't comfortable is it?
Something else that troubles me is just finding the motivation and energy to go back to work. Getting out of bed to walk dogs, to get my daughter ready for school. Getting her to school. Getting to work on time. Running around at work, running home. Collecting her from childcare. Making tea and feeding her. Doing her reading etc. walking the dogs again. My working days are endless and full of chores. Yet at the moment just finding the energy or the inclination to switch on the telly, or pick socks off the floor is challenging and difficult. How the hell am I going to get all that done again every day? I sit and stare in to space and time just ebbs by like water in a river.
I feel so lost. I feel so crumpled and inept. I feel like the piece of paper that's been screwed up as it's unwanted and useless. I feel like the bit that's been thrown at the bin yet missed the receptacle and landed lonely and spent on the floor somewhere nearby. The piece of paper that was almost useful once but then was abandoned and left in a crumpled heap on the floor.
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes!
Thursday, 23 October 2014
Half Pay Dilemmas
So today is the 23rd October 2014....I will be on half pay from my part time role as a police sergeant as of the 17th November 2014 and quite possibly bankrupt shortly thereafter!!
Golly I have to joke a bit because just when I thought I was making some headway (no pun intended) the ground goes and shifts from under my feet again. I feel like f I didn't try and lighten my darkness a little I might just end up hiding under the duvet for the foreseeable future. I do feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff hanging on to my normality but only just and I really do feel only a very short distance away from disaster. My head space is so fragile and splintered.
I must look calm and normal though as nobody seems to know or guess. In fact people keep saying 'you look so well' and I just keep wishing that I felt just a fraction of that wellness in reality.
Do these things feelings happen to other people or just depression sufferers? It seems to me that I keep picking myself up off the floor like a proverbial skittle that's been knocked over and just as I regain my balance and think 'yes I can stand firm and not wobble' another blooming bowling ball hits me and BANG there I go again!
Yesterday I arranged a meeting with my police federation rep (union rep) to discuss the fact that as of the 2012 update to police regulations the force now view my long term absence through ill health purely through business eyes and ask themselves 'is she providing us value for money?' The answer clearly is no I am not in the eyes of HR. They then can consider implementing unsatisfactory performance procedures. Apparently there are three stages to this process and the ultimate sanction after stage three could be the force dispensing with my services. I am currently being considered for placement on stage 1. I have to attend a meeting with my line manager, a representative from HR and my federation rep next Monday the 27th October 2014 when the decision whether or not to place me on stage 1 will be decided.
So yesterday we were discussing this process and also the notice that I have had from my deputy chief constable placing me on half pay as of the 17th November 2014.
The fed rep is a genuinely nice guy with huge empathy and communication skills. He has come highly recommended as someone that will fight my corner tooth and nail and also someone that knows his stuff inside and out. I have been told to trust him implicitly and follow his lead. Looking at the federation in isolation for a minute the reps don't get a lot extra if anything for putting themselves out an amazing amount for others. They look after multiple officers who are generally going through utterly life changing crap situations. This is a huge commitment on top of their day jobs, often as front line officers and I for one am very thankful. He said to me yesterday if you want to speak to me at three in the morning just text me and I think he genuinely meant it too.
So it took me somewhat aback when he said to me out of the blue yesterday 'I want you to go back to work' I was shocked to be honest but when he rationalised to me why he thought it was for the best I could see it made perfect sense. Sitting there in that room at headquarters it did seem to make perfect sense. He said he thought it would be best if I worked reduced hours a couple of times a week and at a different location to where I normally worked. Again perfectly logical. He asked me what I thought... I knew the idea of going onto half pay was terrifying me and the not knowing if I'd be able to pay the bills was an immense weight around my neck so it felt the only rational way forwards was to agree and I did agree if with a fairly large dose of trepidation running through my veins. But as I've said I've been told he's the best and to trust in him.
So I left and started the drive home. Well dear goodness I wasn't expecting the panic attack that ensued or the tears. I wasn't shocked that my head felt like it was going to explode as the splitting pain in my head has been a constant since May. But I was utterly surprised by the violent physical reaction to the thought of returning to work and to say it was overwhelming and hugely scary is an understatement. My chest tightened and my breathing became laboured, my eye sight blurred and I felt really dizzy. My joints all started aching very painfully and my right hand went numb again. I felt physically sick like I had eaten a chunk of food far too big to swallow and it was stuck at the base of my throat.
I had to go and pick my daughter and her friend up from school and it was all I could do to function and communicate with them but carry on I did.
Later after my daughters friend had gone home and I'd done the swimming lesson shuttles to and from the pool I had a text from my best friend asking me how things had gone with the fed rep. I replied that I'd been shocked that he had asked me to return to work, told her that I had agreed at the time but that I had since gone in to meltdown and been very tearful.
This whole reaction and chain of events is very worrying and has left me with the obvious question... 'if this is how the mere suggestion has rendered me, how will the actuality play out?'
I will draw an analogy here....an Olympic athlete breaks his leg just before the main race. His coach says never mind you can still compete. Yes he could but he'd fall flat on his face, he certainly wouldn't win and he'd feel pretty humiliated wouldn't he? That's how I think going back to work is likely to play out for me. I'll fall on my face (not literally although I'd never rule it out completely) , make a prat of myself (some would say inevitable) and I wouldn't win the day and be a healthy rounded person.
So when I woke up this morning I decided I needed to know the figures. Exactly what was the difference from where I'm at now to where I'd be on half pay?
Because the half pay would get topped up with a federation group insurance payment plus I'd be able to claim ESA from the DWP apparently. So I've asked for the figures to be worked out if at all possible because just scaremongering and telling me I'd be worse off isn't helpful. Plus I've asked if I can suspend my pension contributions temporarily or whether that's a one off decision. In or out so to speak. Once I can see this amount versus the other amount I'm hoping I'll know better whether it's a necessary evil just to survive.
So as of now I await those figures. Then I'll go and see my GP .... and then I have a pretty vast decision to make.....
make or break literally!
I'll let you know x
Golly I have to joke a bit because just when I thought I was making some headway (no pun intended) the ground goes and shifts from under my feet again. I feel like f I didn't try and lighten my darkness a little I might just end up hiding under the duvet for the foreseeable future. I do feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff hanging on to my normality but only just and I really do feel only a very short distance away from disaster. My head space is so fragile and splintered.
I must look calm and normal though as nobody seems to know or guess. In fact people keep saying 'you look so well' and I just keep wishing that I felt just a fraction of that wellness in reality.
Do these things feelings happen to other people or just depression sufferers? It seems to me that I keep picking myself up off the floor like a proverbial skittle that's been knocked over and just as I regain my balance and think 'yes I can stand firm and not wobble' another blooming bowling ball hits me and BANG there I go again!
Yesterday I arranged a meeting with my police federation rep (union rep) to discuss the fact that as of the 2012 update to police regulations the force now view my long term absence through ill health purely through business eyes and ask themselves 'is she providing us value for money?' The answer clearly is no I am not in the eyes of HR. They then can consider implementing unsatisfactory performance procedures. Apparently there are three stages to this process and the ultimate sanction after stage three could be the force dispensing with my services. I am currently being considered for placement on stage 1. I have to attend a meeting with my line manager, a representative from HR and my federation rep next Monday the 27th October 2014 when the decision whether or not to place me on stage 1 will be decided.
So yesterday we were discussing this process and also the notice that I have had from my deputy chief constable placing me on half pay as of the 17th November 2014.
The fed rep is a genuinely nice guy with huge empathy and communication skills. He has come highly recommended as someone that will fight my corner tooth and nail and also someone that knows his stuff inside and out. I have been told to trust him implicitly and follow his lead. Looking at the federation in isolation for a minute the reps don't get a lot extra if anything for putting themselves out an amazing amount for others. They look after multiple officers who are generally going through utterly life changing crap situations. This is a huge commitment on top of their day jobs, often as front line officers and I for one am very thankful. He said to me yesterday if you want to speak to me at three in the morning just text me and I think he genuinely meant it too.
So it took me somewhat aback when he said to me out of the blue yesterday 'I want you to go back to work' I was shocked to be honest but when he rationalised to me why he thought it was for the best I could see it made perfect sense. Sitting there in that room at headquarters it did seem to make perfect sense. He said he thought it would be best if I worked reduced hours a couple of times a week and at a different location to where I normally worked. Again perfectly logical. He asked me what I thought... I knew the idea of going onto half pay was terrifying me and the not knowing if I'd be able to pay the bills was an immense weight around my neck so it felt the only rational way forwards was to agree and I did agree if with a fairly large dose of trepidation running through my veins. But as I've said I've been told he's the best and to trust in him.
So I left and started the drive home. Well dear goodness I wasn't expecting the panic attack that ensued or the tears. I wasn't shocked that my head felt like it was going to explode as the splitting pain in my head has been a constant since May. But I was utterly surprised by the violent physical reaction to the thought of returning to work and to say it was overwhelming and hugely scary is an understatement. My chest tightened and my breathing became laboured, my eye sight blurred and I felt really dizzy. My joints all started aching very painfully and my right hand went numb again. I felt physically sick like I had eaten a chunk of food far too big to swallow and it was stuck at the base of my throat.
I had to go and pick my daughter and her friend up from school and it was all I could do to function and communicate with them but carry on I did.
Later after my daughters friend had gone home and I'd done the swimming lesson shuttles to and from the pool I had a text from my best friend asking me how things had gone with the fed rep. I replied that I'd been shocked that he had asked me to return to work, told her that I had agreed at the time but that I had since gone in to meltdown and been very tearful.
This whole reaction and chain of events is very worrying and has left me with the obvious question... 'if this is how the mere suggestion has rendered me, how will the actuality play out?'
I will draw an analogy here....an Olympic athlete breaks his leg just before the main race. His coach says never mind you can still compete. Yes he could but he'd fall flat on his face, he certainly wouldn't win and he'd feel pretty humiliated wouldn't he? That's how I think going back to work is likely to play out for me. I'll fall on my face (not literally although I'd never rule it out completely) , make a prat of myself (some would say inevitable) and I wouldn't win the day and be a healthy rounded person.
BUT and it's a blooming BIG BUT
I am a single parent with bills and commitments how can I not go back to work? So now I've started thinking perhaps I could ask the GP for some form of drug that would quell the panic attacks? A sedation type pill that would just get me through? Or once I got there would I actually cope okay and it's just the fear of it provoking the panic? But we must also remember that I'm only two weeks in to anti-depressant pills and they make take longer to have a positive affect mightn't they?So when I woke up this morning I decided I needed to know the figures. Exactly what was the difference from where I'm at now to where I'd be on half pay?
Because the half pay would get topped up with a federation group insurance payment plus I'd be able to claim ESA from the DWP apparently. So I've asked for the figures to be worked out if at all possible because just scaremongering and telling me I'd be worse off isn't helpful. Plus I've asked if I can suspend my pension contributions temporarily or whether that's a one off decision. In or out so to speak. Once I can see this amount versus the other amount I'm hoping I'll know better whether it's a necessary evil just to survive.
So as of now I await those figures. Then I'll go and see my GP .... and then I have a pretty vast decision to make.....
make or break literally!
I'll let you know x
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
Assessment phone call
I've just spent fifty minutes on the telephone to Steps2Wellbeing for my 'assessment' phone call, as referred by my GP.
What an odd experience that was. I found the endless questions that started on a scale of 1-8 how..... very disconcerting. I appreciate and understand the purpose but trying to compartmentalise the way you feel into survey type questions is really off putting.
Then she asked me what sort of therapy I thought I needed? Throwing the ball into my court so to speak! There was me thinking you'd tell me I wanted to scream back at her! So I asked her what there was available not really knowing and therefore struggling to answer her. So she starts rambling on about low intensity telephone based/computer input with a workbook, or high intensity counselling or high intensity CBT. Crikey it all sounded like a work out schedule!
Again having outlined the available therapies she threw the ball back into my court.... All I can say is it's a good job I've been self reflecting and writing things down over the last few days as it gave me a small heads up as to how I am really feeling and what I feel I really need.
As I had explained and rambled away to her on the phone I began to realise that it's more than possible that all my issues stem right back to my over bearing, psychologically tortuous Mother who bullied me unrelentingly throughout my childhood and way on into my adult years. I was explaining to her how I had had a period of stress and counselling back in 2002 and it then dawned on me as I was explaining it that this was around the time my Dad had his affair and left my Mother.
It was also at this juncture that Mother and I had a blazing row on the telephone around the subject and she gave me an ultimatum. 'Ditch your Dad and have nothing more to do with him or I want nothing more to do with you.' She put the emotional thumb screws on saying he'd wronged her and how could I want anything to do with him. I recall arguing back that he had done wrong but that I could still have both of my parents in my life. It was at this point that she started screaming abuse down the telephone and I said I was going to end the call if she continued to abuse me. She continued and I hung up. I have not spoken to her from that day to this.
In 2005 when I had my daughter I wrote to her offering her the opportunity to have a relationship with Ellie if not me. She wrote back telling me it was a 'fate worse than death' and that she would one day tell my darling daughter what a bitch her Mum really was. Charming!
For several years thereafter I tried to maintain a relationship with my family (her relatives) in Cornwall but as she saw them a lot and she seemed to have told them her own version of events and I felt myself turning into a black sheep and for what?
Dad and his new lady Sue married several days after Ellie was born. I wasn't invited. It took me a while to accept Sue but I did and she was an incredible woman but sadly as I said in a previous blog she has recently passed away.
When I look back at it all I think the way I am, the damaged individual I have become, my history, my family is more than likely where all these issues started.
The lady on the telephone agreed and we decided that one to one counselling to deal with the past was paramount before then perhaps moving to CBT type work. Then the blow.....there's a long waiting list I think she said. I'll get the admin staff to call you but it'll be quite a while before we can help! Great I thought!
Whilst I'm airing my thoughts on family... I haven't spent one single Christmas with my family in 20 years? I haven't been invited to share Christmas or birthdays in that long. Is that normal?
I also recall one Christmas on my own when my parents were still together them ringing me and regaling me with the tales of all the lovely social functions they had planned for the festive season and Christmas Day. They then asked me what I was doing for Christmas Day....I'm on my own I said, I'll have a ready meal for one. Oh enjoy that then was the response. No invite, no love just rejection.
I recall when my relationship with my daughters Dad was failing and I just had to escape from the house I paid for a holiday property down near where my Dad and Sue lived. I was hoping that I would feel the love, maybe they'd want to help me or see me. Ellie was quite small. As it was they didn't really seem that interested all week until they then agreed to come and spend a day with me. I was so excited. I got Ellie up early, bathed her, dressed her in beautiful clothes and went through quite a ritual preparing ourselves for a 'family' day. Then Dad rang and cancelled. Sorry I have my books to do for the accountant I can't afford the time. My world collapsed and I remember sitting on the bed howling in despair. He offered me a crumb by saying come to lunch tomorrow...bring something to eat?! So daft old me ..I did. Whilst I was there Sue managed to drop a clanger by telling me what a lovely day they'd had at the garden centre the day before. Well what a punch in the guts that was I can tell you.
In fact I only ever stayed over with Dad and Sue once. The morning after the 'night' so to speak I wasn't offered breakfast and our bags were brought down from the spare room and put by the front door for us! Bit of a clue I thought to leave!!
Are these the reasons I don't socialise... because I'm scared of rejection?
If you can't trust your parents to love you, cherish you and want to spend time with you, why would anyone else want you?
Is that why I feel like a nothing and a nobody?
I love my Dad dearly but he's always pushed me away, there's always been something more important to do or somebody more important to spend the time with.
Soul searching over for the day...............more laters x
What an odd experience that was. I found the endless questions that started on a scale of 1-8 how..... very disconcerting. I appreciate and understand the purpose but trying to compartmentalise the way you feel into survey type questions is really off putting.
Then she asked me what sort of therapy I thought I needed? Throwing the ball into my court so to speak! There was me thinking you'd tell me I wanted to scream back at her! So I asked her what there was available not really knowing and therefore struggling to answer her. So she starts rambling on about low intensity telephone based/computer input with a workbook, or high intensity counselling or high intensity CBT. Crikey it all sounded like a work out schedule!
Again having outlined the available therapies she threw the ball back into my court.... All I can say is it's a good job I've been self reflecting and writing things down over the last few days as it gave me a small heads up as to how I am really feeling and what I feel I really need.
As I had explained and rambled away to her on the phone I began to realise that it's more than possible that all my issues stem right back to my over bearing, psychologically tortuous Mother who bullied me unrelentingly throughout my childhood and way on into my adult years. I was explaining to her how I had had a period of stress and counselling back in 2002 and it then dawned on me as I was explaining it that this was around the time my Dad had his affair and left my Mother.
It was also at this juncture that Mother and I had a blazing row on the telephone around the subject and she gave me an ultimatum. 'Ditch your Dad and have nothing more to do with him or I want nothing more to do with you.' She put the emotional thumb screws on saying he'd wronged her and how could I want anything to do with him. I recall arguing back that he had done wrong but that I could still have both of my parents in my life. It was at this point that she started screaming abuse down the telephone and I said I was going to end the call if she continued to abuse me. She continued and I hung up. I have not spoken to her from that day to this.
In 2005 when I had my daughter I wrote to her offering her the opportunity to have a relationship with Ellie if not me. She wrote back telling me it was a 'fate worse than death' and that she would one day tell my darling daughter what a bitch her Mum really was. Charming!
For several years thereafter I tried to maintain a relationship with my family (her relatives) in Cornwall but as she saw them a lot and she seemed to have told them her own version of events and I felt myself turning into a black sheep and for what?
Dad and his new lady Sue married several days after Ellie was born. I wasn't invited. It took me a while to accept Sue but I did and she was an incredible woman but sadly as I said in a previous blog she has recently passed away.
When I look back at it all I think the way I am, the damaged individual I have become, my history, my family is more than likely where all these issues started.
The lady on the telephone agreed and we decided that one to one counselling to deal with the past was paramount before then perhaps moving to CBT type work. Then the blow.....there's a long waiting list I think she said. I'll get the admin staff to call you but it'll be quite a while before we can help! Great I thought!
Whilst I'm airing my thoughts on family... I haven't spent one single Christmas with my family in 20 years? I haven't been invited to share Christmas or birthdays in that long. Is that normal?
I also recall one Christmas on my own when my parents were still together them ringing me and regaling me with the tales of all the lovely social functions they had planned for the festive season and Christmas Day. They then asked me what I was doing for Christmas Day....I'm on my own I said, I'll have a ready meal for one. Oh enjoy that then was the response. No invite, no love just rejection.
I recall when my relationship with my daughters Dad was failing and I just had to escape from the house I paid for a holiday property down near where my Dad and Sue lived. I was hoping that I would feel the love, maybe they'd want to help me or see me. Ellie was quite small. As it was they didn't really seem that interested all week until they then agreed to come and spend a day with me. I was so excited. I got Ellie up early, bathed her, dressed her in beautiful clothes and went through quite a ritual preparing ourselves for a 'family' day. Then Dad rang and cancelled. Sorry I have my books to do for the accountant I can't afford the time. My world collapsed and I remember sitting on the bed howling in despair. He offered me a crumb by saying come to lunch tomorrow...bring something to eat?! So daft old me ..I did. Whilst I was there Sue managed to drop a clanger by telling me what a lovely day they'd had at the garden centre the day before. Well what a punch in the guts that was I can tell you.
In fact I only ever stayed over with Dad and Sue once. The morning after the 'night' so to speak I wasn't offered breakfast and our bags were brought down from the spare room and put by the front door for us! Bit of a clue I thought to leave!!
Are these the reasons I don't socialise... because I'm scared of rejection?
If you can't trust your parents to love you, cherish you and want to spend time with you, why would anyone else want you?
Is that why I feel like a nothing and a nobody?
I love my Dad dearly but he's always pushed me away, there's always been something more important to do or somebody more important to spend the time with.
Soul searching over for the day...............more laters x
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